Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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