If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
