Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
