Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
