Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
