its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
