My sheets look like a crime scene.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
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