I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
