her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
its liver damage thursday
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
