Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
