Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
