New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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