Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
