So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
