Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
