because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I need moral support for this bender
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
