i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
