im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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