I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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