if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
