how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
