I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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