After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
