you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
