When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
