I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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