she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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