so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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