I am spending my child support on dildos
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
