On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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