Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you never un-have a 4some
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
