I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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