Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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