I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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