So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
