You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
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I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize