She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
