i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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