Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
