I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
