when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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