Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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