I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
