She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
