Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
