No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
