So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
