Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
