bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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