Ambien. No doubt about it.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
