you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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