his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
