you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We smell like vodka and hangover
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