I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
