Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
