White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
