My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
nutella sex= disaster
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's official drugs can't kill me
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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