the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
